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FPGtB, Installment Three: It doesn't look any bigger than the Mauritania.

This one is all about my chest! Welcome!

You all know that I'm still breastfeeding Harper, right? Right-oh!

You also know that she has never touched her lips to a bottle, right?

Why, I ask, did I think it would be okay to leave her breastless for 60 hours while I galavanted at the Hyatt? WHY?!

(Wait. Please know that Harper also eats solid foods and drinks whole milk. I didn't leave her to wither.)

Anyway. This is what I look like Every Day:


It's an obvious Breastfeeding Chest. Nothing to shake a stick at (no connotations intended), just very Normal.

When I arrived in Minneapolis last Friday, I realized that it had been twelve hours since Harper's last feeding. My chest was feeling a bit heavy. "No big deal," I naively assured myself, "If I become a bit engorged, I will simply express a bit of milk manually into the sink to relieve the pressure. Tally ho."

Eight hours later, after arriving in San Jose, lunching, showering, etc., I was in pain. The manual expression thing? Yeah. That didn't work so well for me.

As I roamed around the pool, I started feeling jolts of pain in my back, and I started introducing myself to people by saying, "Hi. I'm Angie/Angela/Fluid Pudding. My breasts! For the love of God, please help my breasts!" (Seriously, it's all I could talk about (because it was all I could THINK about), which is more than a little dreadful. "Yes! I would love a beer! Thank you! You're so pretty! Have I told you about my breasts?")

At 8:45, nearly 24 hours since Harper's last feeding, I was scheduled to do my Alpha Mom interview. Believe it or not, my make-up was not fancy enough, so I required the assistance of Jesus, Lord of the Cosmetics. Not only did he give me ultra bronze eyelids, but he transformed my eyebrows into bossy caterpillars! And as I sat and talked to LeahPeah about my children, my chest began to fill up even more.

Walking back to my hotel room from the interview, I looked like this:

Friday night? I could not sleep. I wanted to die every single time the sheet touched my chest. Manual expression, Schmanual Schmexpression. No can do.

When I went to the Mommy Blogging forum on Saturday morning, every time someone would stand and say the word Mommy, I felt my chest getting heavier. I briefly considered performing a fishes and loaves monologue that would end with me dramatically ripping my shirt open and offering to feed my milkstuff to anyone who agreed that Mommy Blogging is a Radical Act, but then I remembered that I'm a horrible actress and am not a huge fan of attention.

I left the forum less than fifteen minutes after it started, because I was feeling quite desperate.

Here is an actual photograph of me taken Saturday as I ran out of the Mommy Blogger forum:

I ran to the hotel lobby and tried to find a phone number for La Leche League. No luck. I then tried to find the number for a hospital lactation consultant. No luck. Finally, I took a cab to Walgreens ($30!), where I purchased a breast pump ($34!) and Swedish Fish ($1.29!). Sadly, I then spent a good part of the afternoon pumping (and watching Titanic, but mostly pumping).

And then I drank some beer.

Because God himself couldn't sink this ship, Rose.

Posted by: fluidpudding on Thursday, August 3, 2006 , 50 comments
Submitted by Julie at 8/3/2006 10:25:47 PM
    I'm so glad I read this! My daughter is 14 months and is also still a bottle-free nurser. She'll take a sippy cup and eats solids great, and I've sort of forgotten that there was a time when I didn't nurse. That my breasts aren't just automatically drained. I have a 60 hour girls weekend planned at the end of the month and assumed I'd be "just fine" and could "hand express if it got too full." After reading this I'm definitely packing some sort of pump lest my chest take over more than my fair share of the hotel room.
Submitted by Susan at 8/3/2006 10:38:06 PM
    Thank god for the Swedish Fish.
Submitted by Valarie at 8/3/2006 10:54:14 PM
    I'm sorry you were miserable, but really- what they hell were you thinking not packing any sort of pump? Did you at least escape without any clogged ducts?
Submitted by ben at 8/3/2006 11:07:25 PM
    That is The Funniest Thing I've read in weeks.
Submitted by Wood from sweetjuniper at 8/3/2006 11:11:54 PM
    Oh, sweet Jesus the applier of cosmetics, you are a funny lady. Still chuckling over here. Lovely drawings, hilarious delivery.

    It was great meeting you. I only wish I'd meet you earlier so I could have talked with you about the breasts and sent you to my friend and fellow blogher attendee who was there with an electric breastpump.

    Do we get a drawing of you using a manual pump in the hotel room? because my guess is that it sucked, royally.
Submitted by Chookooloonks at 8/3/2006 11:22:01 PM
    Yay! An image of When Makeup Artists Attack! I love the bossy caterpillars. Me, I had Cheeks of Pure Roses. I could barely stifle my laughter. I'm black, man. My cheeks do not "rose."

    Loving your drawings!
Submitted by Robin at 8/3/2006 11:23:31 PM
    Shit. I just remembered that I have a friend in San Jose who's a breast-feeding activist. She has all the connections. I wish I'd given you her number before you left.
Submitted by leahpeah at 8/3/2006 11:40:47 PM
    holy cow! how did you manage to sit there and be so beautiful and poised the entire time your breasts were trying to create rivulets of mother juice all down your front??

    you are amazing.
    xoxo
Submitted by jenB at 8/4/2006 12:39:52 AM
    i knew about your breasts and felt very empathetic. now the weeping and watching of titanic makes more sense. ahhh boobies. they looked lovely, if that is any consolation.
Submitted by mom on a wire at 8/4/2006 12:54:51 AM
    "Schmanual Schmexpression" is my new swear word. I know it's a mouthful, but I think it conveys a certain 'angst' that I usually need to express when I swear.
Submitted by JD at 8/4/2006 1:05:05 AM
    There are some funny things in this world but explanding exploding boobies are a riot! I went on a 4 day nature photo class get away and sprayed down some cactus plants with Breast milk. No BUENO. The graphics were delightful. Still laughing thanks!
Submitted by jess at 8/4/2006 1:31:12 AM
    Oh, i'm so happy reading this, not because of you're engorgement, but because i watched you drawing these little comics (from behind) in the "blogging and autonomy" panel. I remember wondering what you were doing. And! Now i know.
Submitted by Jenijen at 8/4/2006 2:59:06 AM
    Last year (at blogher) I had Jenn (of mommy needs coffee and mommybloggers) scouting the evening party for a baby for me to nurse. Any baby would have done, but I sadly had to go without and I know your pain, sister.
Submitted by Judi at 8/4/2006 6:19:05 AM
    I remember when I breastfed my daughter she would not nurse on the left side and it was constantly engorged and of course I ended up lopsided most days. By the way, you are an A+ drawer!
Submitted by chris at 8/4/2006 7:22:38 AM
    Ah yes, the Schmanual Schmexpression never worked for me either.

    Sorry about your boob pain. I met you after you had bought the pump. Did you run in the front door when you arrived home tearing your shirt open? Because I think that is what I would have done.
Submitted by FP at 8/4/2006 7:38:17 AM
    Chris--I actually assembled the pump in the taxi, and was going to pump in the back seat, but I didn't want to freak out the (already freaked out) cab driver. So, yes. I don't think I ran to my room as much as Flew to my room, dragging my chest on the floor.

    Valarie--I know. Like I said, I thought I could express manually. I know! I know!!!

    Wood--I can draw stick people, but I have trouble with stick people who hold breast pumps. Believe me, I tried. And it DID suck. Royally.
Submitted by MotherReader at 8/4/2006 8:52:57 AM
    Ohmigod, that was so funny. What a hysterical way to convey a desperate situation.

    I always seemed to have enough milk for twins, so if I went one feeding off, I was in pain. I can't imagine going daaaays. Wow.

    One hint on manual expression, if it helps for next time (like you'd let that happen again), I found it easier to do in a warm shower.
Submitted by MotherReader at 8/4/2006 8:53:15 AM
    Ohmigod, that was so funny. What a hysterical way to convey a desperate situation.

    I always seemed to have enough milk for twins, so if I went one feeding off, I was in pain. I can't imagine going daaaays. Wow.

    One hint on manual expression, if it helps for next time (like you'd let that happen again), I found it easier to do in a warm shower.
Submitted by malia at 8/4/2006 8:54:00 AM
    I have no frame of reference but your delivery - classic!
Submitted by MotherReader at 8/4/2006 8:54:24 AM
    Ohmigod, that was so funny. What a hysterical way to convey a desperate situation.

    I always seemed to have enough milk for twins, so if I went one feeding off, I was in pain. I can't imagine going daaaays. Wow.

    One hint on manual expression, if it helps for next time (like you'd let that happen again), I found it easier to do in a warm shower.
Submitted by Mocha at 8/4/2006 8:56:33 AM
    Honestly, I'm relieved. Now you know why I was staring at your breasts. They had a life of their own. ;-)

    I'm glad the Swedish Fish seemed to help. Lactating secrets of the wise...
Submitted by MotherReader at 8/4/2006 9:07:30 AM
    NOW I understand why I sometimes see multiple posts of the same comment. The commenter's computer WIGS OUT! Sorry. Feel free to delete the second and, um, third repeat, of my incredibly insightful comment.
Submitted by mothergoosemouse at 8/4/2006 9:25:56 AM
    I tried to say "schmexpression" out loud. Can I really be drunk at 8:30am? Because it certainly sounds like it.

    I swear I didn't notice your chest. I was too busy admiring how gorgeous you are from the neck up - I didn't get a chance to look you up and down.
Submitted by pharmgirl at 8/4/2006 9:43:20 AM
    Please include this post in your book.
Submitted by Nicole R. at 8/4/2006 10:02:22 AM
    This is my first visit to your blog ... you mean you don't usually illustrate it with line drawings? I'm a little disappointed. The drawings summed up engorgement in a way words never could. To coin a phrase: they were worth a thousand words!
Submitted by Mandy at 8/4/2006 10:17:11 AM
    I did the same thing on a business trip to L.A. a few months ago. My son was 20 months old and was only nursing at night before bed, and I thought this would be a great opportunity to wean him--out of sight, out of mind, you know? And it did work, but my god, the pain. I really thought it wouldn't be a big deal since he only nursed once a day, but I was so engorged and uncomfortable by the 3rd day that I could not concentrate on anything but my poor breasts. And I tried to schmanually schmexpress them in the shower, but I think I only bruised them more. But it turned out to be a no-tears way to wean my son--no tears for him, I mean; for me, lots of tears... Owwweeee
Submitted by carolyn at 8/4/2006 10:38:52 AM
    Delurking to say that your post brought back so many unhappy memories from when I stopped breasfeeding. I sat at my desk clutching my breasts in sympathy.
Submitted by Carroll at 8/4/2006 10:56:46 AM
    Oh, Angie! I too would gladly have come to your rescue in an instant with local b/f contact info and/or an emergency pump delivery. The pictures though, are profoundly accurate. I'm sure any woman who has been in that situation (intentionally/idiotically or inadvertently) can relate and remember the feeling. Owwwwww! Glad you (and Harper) survived. And the drawings? Yes, definitely they should become a "feature" on Fluid Pudding.
Submitted by Carroll at 8/4/2006 10:59:29 AM
    So, is there some way/place we can now retroactively watch/hear your interview or was it a real-time only thing?
Submitted by Sarcastic Journalist at 8/4/2006 11:11:35 AM
    FP,

    If I was there, I would have let you borrow my pump. There had to have been some hungry baby just roaming around, looking for a good boob.
Submitted by FP at 8/4/2006 11:12:38 AM
    Carroll--I'll let you know as soon as I see it. Alpha Mom will be editing it before posting it. (I imagine my interview will definitely test the skills of their editors. Perhaps they can find someone a bit more coherent than myself to do some intelligent voiceover work.)
Submitted by FP at 8/4/2006 11:17:56 AM
    SJ--I almost slipped the daycare lady a ten-spot to keep her mouth closed so I could nurse every child in the room. But then I thought about the lawsuits and the bad publicity. (I'm sorry, but not all publicity IS good...)

    I probably could have borrowed a pump, but I didn't want to weird anyone out. "Hi! When you're done milking, may I step up to the plate?"
Submitted by Allison McKenna at 8/4/2006 1:38:34 PM
    Hysterical! I can relate...my midwife friend believes that I was a wet-nurse in a previous life. Just a couple of days ago I was shocked to find out that I can still shoot milk in my 20 month old daughter's face at least three feet away. Agh!
Submitted by Zoot at 8/4/2006 2:40:28 PM
    Brit from Running Stitch and Marilyn from Inconceivable were bonding over their pumping time at BlogHer. If I had known you were suffering so I would have sent them to hunt you down to join their pump party. I felt a little jealous I actually had a baby that needed feeding because I missed out on their pump sessions. *sigh*


Submitted by SprengBlingBling at 8/4/2006 3:23:56 PM
    I feel like that after being away for four hours without feeding/pumping. I can't imagine what it's like after 24 hours. Had I been there, I would have gladly lent you my pump.
Submitted by kimberly at 8/4/2006 3:48:43 PM
    To think I was only 20 minutes away with a Pump in Style (and my three year old has Swedish Fish from a birthday party). The drawings are great!
Submitted by brit at 8/4/2006 4:56:31 PM
    It's true...If only I had gotten up the nerve to say hello before Saturday night...I could have been your new best friend!! or at least best friend of convience! I'll settle for whatever....oh well. It all worked out.
Submitted by FannyBoBanny at 8/4/2006 6:16:47 PM
    Oh No! I wish I would have known (not like you know me - but I have a feeling that I'm Robin's friend in SJ that she's talking about!) I could have helped you! I hope that everything is okay and back to normal now
Submitted by coolbeans at 8/4/2006 7:49:02 PM
    I know I have complimented bloggers by telling them something they wrote made me pee my pants. I'm pretty sure I have always been lying.

    Until now. You made me wet myself with laughter, FluidPudding Angela. Well done.
Submitted by surcie.typepad.com at 8/4/2006 9:51:51 PM
    I was watching Titanic, too! HA!
Submitted by Tiffany at 8/5/2006 3:22:00 AM
    Add me to the list of people who could have helped you!!! I live very near, too!! Just imagine all of us surrounding you...

    Tiffany M

Submitted by Yorkshire Soul at 8/5/2006 10:40:48 AM
    Swedish fish ? As in Fiskeboller ? Makes me glad I'm a man.

    "Did you run in the front door when you arrived home tearing your shirt open? Because I think that is what I would have done."

    Any chance you can persuade my wife to do this ?
Submitted by wordgirl at 8/5/2006 12:06:34 PM
    You have my sympathies. I remember the feeling. Like two rock-hard balloons affixed to my chest. Torture.
Submitted by wordgirl at 8/5/2006 1:03:28 PM
    You have my sympathies. I remember the feeling. Like two rock-hard balloons affixed to my chest. Torture.
Submitted by Ree at 8/6/2006 2:37:26 PM
    My milk came in just reading this tale. I can just feel that hardness. Whew.
Submitted by Amanda at 8/6/2006 7:58:26 PM
    Well, DAMN. I was THERE with a Pump in Style the whole time!

    And how I missed getting a photo of your boobs is BEYOND ME.
Submitted by marian at 8/7/2006 10:04:32 AM
    I'm 55 and haven't nursed a baby in 17 years, but I swear MY milk came in reading this post! That's the funniest thing I've seen come out of Blogher so far!
Submitted by Michelle at 8/7/2006 2:19:32 PM
    You should send your drawings to Amanda to add to the collection... its very funny

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/60449310@N00/sets/72157594216270990/
Submitted by kristin at 8/8/2006 11:09:24 AM
    I love your drawings. You should totally come to my wedding and be my official wedding drawer.
Submitted by Kris at 8/14/2006 7:46:13 PM
    I'm sorry it was painful (and a pain in general) for you. However, for me, it was just funny. Thanks for the laugh!
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