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Punch and Judy

Because she is going to be a biweekly part of my life, I need to come up with a name for our amazing cleaning woman. I would go with “Jesus”, but I'm afraid I might pay for that someday.

The Real Jesus: You thought it was pretty funny calling that cleaning lady by my name, didn't you?

Me: Um, well… At the time? Yes.

The Real Jesus: Um, well… You are not forgiven. Go clean up Hell for five hundred years.

Okay. Let's call her Judy. (After Saint Jude of Thaddaeus--the Patron Saint of Desperate Cases, of course. Also, Frank Zappa’s Heavy Duty Judy.)

Judy came into our home today (after I spent the past 24 hours scrubbing and wiping and cursing and crying and throwing away dusty gel candles and slamming empty shaving cream containers around and so on), and I immediately loved her--not only because she never called me Stinky McDirtyHouse, but because she made me feel like It's Not That Bad. She gave me a list of Must Have cleaning products, estimated the amount of time it will take her to whip us into shape, and left with a smile on her face.

And, yes. Having her come over every two weeks is going to hurt a bit, and I'm definitely going to have to eliminate the Starbucks habit as well as the Eating at Restaurants a Few Times Each Week habit. And the yarn habit. And I won't take up the fancy girl underpants habit I was considering. Also, I'm not going to be able to start drinking the way I wanted to.

So, now that we have Judy, my mind is on to biggers and betters, such as: What the hell type of anniversary gift should I get for Jeff? I need help. The past three gifts I gave him were returned to the store within hours. (I won’t tell you what the gifts were, because if they really DID suck, well, I don’t want to hear it. Not from you, anyway.)

What does a girl on a budget give her husband for their four year wedding anniversary? Traditionally, it’s fruit or flowers. However, I don’t think a pomegranate with a daisy wrapped around it will pack much of a punch. AND, don’t start suggesting sexual tricks, because you’ll embarrass me and I’ll have to delete you. Help?

Posted by: fluidpudding on Sunday, October 16, 2005 , 46 comments
Submitted by Lori at 10/16/2005 2:11:54 PM
    We didn't get each other anything this year (agreed upon in advance, of course). But had I gotten him something, it would've been Steve Madden shoes or a good book. I'm practical like that.
Submitted by eyemhungry at 10/16/2005 2:14:33 PM
    We have our first anniversary coming up next week and our gift to one another is a really expensive dinner (still to be determined.) Food is always good.
Submitted by buffi at 10/16/2005 2:26:33 PM
    You gave him a baby a few months ago! And a damn cute one at that. What more does the man want? Greedy.

    I gave mine some wine last year. And that comes from grapes, which at one point were blossoms. So see, really you'd be sticking with the whole "flowers and fruit" theme. I'm reaching, I know.

    I need Judy. May borrow her. I promise to give her back in the same condition. Well, maybe a little tips from all the wine.
Submitted by buffi at 10/16/2005 2:27:38 PM
    Or tipsy. Damn spell-checker.
Submitted by Lisa at 10/16/2005 2:40:01 PM
    Some suggestions:
    -small box cd set of a musician he likes or collection of various cds
    -dvd set of a television show or movie genre he likes
    -computer accessories or lower-priced tech stuff if he's a tech junkie
    -collection of books on verious interests of his

Submitted by Beth at 10/16/2005 2:41:27 PM
    Toe socks!

    Man, I crack myself up.
Submitted by Lisa at 10/16/2005 2:42:11 PM
    Or "various." Damn eyes.
Submitted by lin at 10/16/2005 4:43:16 PM
    two pretty wee girlies and you...get someone (for free) to take a bunch of pix of you with the kids with your digital camera, then choose the best one, frame and send it to work with him. not exactly original but inexpensive and how can he say no thanks.
Submitted by Badger at 10/16/2005 5:44:06 PM
    I'm with lin. That's something he can't return, and if he so much as tries, he'll be scrubbing toilets in Hell while you, who merely accepted a cleaning lady as your personal savior, will get off with just some light dusting and maybe a little counter-wiping.

    And I can wave at the two of you from the little corner of Hell where they keep the comma abusers.
Submitted by blackbird at 10/16/2005 7:03:51 PM
    I don't know a lot about him.
    Boys love toys. Dvd's, computer crap, an iPod.
    Gloves?
    hahahahah.
Submitted by jamie at 10/16/2005 8:19:35 PM
    YOU'RE GIVING UP THE YARN HABIT?????????

    Is a clean house really worth it?
Submitted by RazDreams at 10/16/2005 8:44:05 PM
    i go with the cds (music) or dvds (tv/movie) he loves. a nice chess set. rollerblades. an accessory for something he already has, like something for his digital camera or computer.
Submitted by Julie at 10/16/2005 9:45:34 PM
    I'm already going to hell and I love to clean, so I'll do the cleaning if you'll keep the demons away.

    Concert tickets. Sporting event tickets. Comedy club tickets.
Submitted by Eulallia at 10/16/2005 11:19:36 PM
    I like the picture idea, I've done that one. And once I had an artist draw our baby from a photo I gave her ($50 for an 8x10 pencil sketch) which was awesome. I've also given books by his favorite author, and tools. I can NEVER go wrong with tools.
Submitted by JavaJennifer at 10/17/2005 9:20:50 AM
    I know I'm a geek, but my first thought after reading your post was, "What are those must-have cleaning products?" Because I'm always on the lookout, you know, for must-haves in the cleaning department, things to make life easier and cleaning quicker and more clean.

    And I'm pretty bad at gifts - do you already have a TiVo? They are running a special right now and with the rebate you can get a 40 hour TiVo for fifty bucks. Just think, an anniversary gift that you will also benefit from. Gilmore Girls any time you want them . . .
Submitted by crock at 10/17/2005 9:49:33 AM
    Hire a local papier maché artist to do a 1/14th scale model of the family, including the house and Jesus, your cleaning woman. Then, at the last minute, freak out because the papier maché-ist didn't get Jeff's head right (he looks like Eric Stoltz...not from The Mask but, more hideously, from Kicking and Screaming) and burn the whole thing in a rage fuelled in part by your lack of specialty beverages from Starbucks. Then buy him the first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD because you heard "the writing is really, really good." Then realize you can't give your husband an entire season of what still amounts to a catty chick show for your anniversary present. Return the DVD, realize you can only get store credit without the receipt (which you also burned in the parking lot, just for fun...you really need to get that under control), get into a shouting match with the feckless teen working the register and tell them where to shove their store credit. Then buy groceries to make a simple yet romantic dinner, which actually turns out quite nice.
Submitted by i.e. at 10/17/2005 11:01:17 AM
    I LOVE crock's response - that seems like a fitting anniversary present to me...

    Yes, what are must have cleaning products - as if they will ever enter my house, but sounds like something I should know. Yet, you had to PAY for that information - I mean you are making a sacrifice to obtain the must have cleaning products - really I think at the top of the list is Judy - but maybe a paypal account set-up with a fee of one Grande special delux most amazing keep life sane Starbucks for the special list...just a thought...to help supplement your loss.
Submitted by lin at 10/17/2005 11:23:33 AM
    I have always referred to my cleaning lady as Mrs. Mop. Not to her face, but you know..."Honey, Mrs. Mop is coming today so don't leave your underwear on the bathroom floor." Mrs. Mop just flows nicely.
Submitted by Sarcastic Journalist at 10/17/2005 11:47:44 AM
    multiple out to eats? AND COFFEE? you are big rich woman.

    I vote for alcohol and or food. Yes, I am getting my husband alcohol for Christmas.

Submitted by Joan at 10/17/2005 11:48:34 AM
    Damn...you just blew my comment..I was going to say you forgot Hey Jude...fudgecycle...

    You might want to take him to Elvis impersonator show, or something classy like that.
Submitted by Persephone Basilissa at 10/17/2005 11:56:34 AM
    I've done both the picture and the computer accessories, and they were both hits.

    Our traditional anniversary gift -- year after 14 years now -- is a shopping spree at a book store. We vary the amount from year to year, based on our varying budget. And sometimes it'll be a book-and-game store or book-music-and-movies store, but still, you get the idea.

    His favorite (and my fall-back), though, is LEGOs. They're perfect, because they're playful, unexpected, fun to share with the kids, and come in a variety of price ranges. And if he's a fan of sports or dinosaurs or "Star Wars" or pirates or racecars or robots, they've got a whole theme series designed for him.

    And if he's not, you can just buy the basic building blocks. I even found some sets to help teach kids basic engineering concepts, that have pulleys and levers and stuff. There's no telling how many hours of fun a man can wring from a LEGO set or two. (OK, mine spent over twelve hours on his Millenium Falcon.)

    By the same token, if he was a collector as a kid or is now a fan of some movie that has toy tie-ins, consider getting him a set of baseball cards or a Sauron action figure. My motto is: feed the boy, make a happy husband.
Submitted by Molly at 10/17/2005 12:18:22 PM
    I vote for the romantic dinner idea - with a small (very small!) gift too.
    Then you really can make it as budget as you like - hey even cheese on toast can be romantic if you eat it by candlelight!
Submitted by Kathy B at 10/17/2005 12:43:08 PM
    Let's see. The man has excellent taste, so go with the new Jay Farrar CD, a box set of either Deadwood or The Wire, and one fine-ass bottle of Scotch. Oh wait, maybe that's my fantasy birthday gift...

    Cheers-
    Kath
Submitted by Anna at 10/17/2005 1:07:21 PM
    I don't know what kind of budget you are on, but one of the coolest preents i ever gave my husband was a hot air baloon ride. It was a small basket number at sunset and we had a wonderful time. As a rule I enjoy experiences more than things- so just a suggestion
Submitted by Kathy at 10/17/2005 1:10:32 PM
    OK...look. This is an anniversary, not a birthday. I think anniversaries are about US, not HIM or ME. So I like things that help our relationship. Like a book (101 Romantic Nights, 52 Positions, something like that...or, if things are pretty bad, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus)

    I gave the hubby a perpetual coupon for personal massages. By me. Anytime he wanted and I only had 2 hours to make it happen. Along with that you could add massage oils (like the new one from KY that is also a lubricant), maybe a feather (or flogger...your choice).

    Really. CDs are for birthdays and DVDs are for Christmas (unless they're porn...then that works for anniversaries.)

    I, personally, think that whoever does the cooking shouldn't have to cook that night, so the other person is responsible for dinner out reservations. Or for preparing a picnic, if the budget is tight.
Submitted by tortoiseshelly at 10/17/2005 1:48:30 PM
    We celebrate our anniversaries with a dinner out and buying something we both want for our home (furniture, art, snuggly blanket - doesn't matter).

    But perhaps Jeff has already bought your gift, and it's too late to hop on the this bandwagon. In that case, knit him some socks or a sweater This is nice, because it doubles as an excuse to buy yarn - which you have (in some sick fit) sacrificed for a clean house.
Submitted by Angie at 10/17/2005 2:25:26 PM
    My husband and I are so unromantic. Yesterday was our six year anniversary. He got cologne (bought off Ebay) and a music CD. I got the first season of the tv show Lost on DVD. And we both LOVED our gifts!
Submitted by Jaynee at 10/17/2005 3:04:39 PM
    I once got Denis a six-month membership to the "Beer of the Month" club. It was expensive, but was the gift that kept on giving. You can always do the two-month domestic version which is cheaper (about $40) and still fun.
Submitted by LizR at 10/17/2005 5:44:01 PM
    I gave my husband mulch for our fourth. Yeah, but we really needed it and it was really nice cedar mulch and giving him mulch meant he had to spend a couple of weekends working in the yard which he LOVES. We bought a printer for our first anniversary (paper) This year was our seventh and the traditional gifts are wool and copper. I got yarn!!!

    Oh, and the modern gift for the fourth is "appliances".
Submitted by gasoline hobo at 10/17/2005 7:00:49 PM
    LizR, I love you. I will be giving mulch to ALL of my friends and relations this year. I'll even fancy it up and call it "The Gift of Mulch". I AM SO EXCITED.

    Miz Pudding, my suggestion (if mulch is out of the question), is a remote control. But not just ANY remote control. This is a remote control with a SCREEN. A touch sensitive screen. it's also blue, which is what we guys call "totally awesome". and it can control up to 8 devices. it's like porn. no, it's like PORN CANDY.

    the kameleon-8 remote control is available from amazon.com for only $49.99.
Submitted by surcie at 10/17/2005 8:34:24 PM
    Girl, you so deserve your Judy! I hope you two enjoy a long and happy relationship.

    I love G. Hobo's idea. In fact, my husband just might get that for Christmas. If he's really good.

Submitted by Lisa at 10/17/2005 8:41:53 PM
    Not the yarn! NOT THE YARN!!!!
Submitted by Suse at 10/17/2005 9:02:50 PM
    Get him a must-have cleaning product.

    Or fingerless gloves. You know, to go with the toe socks.
Submitted by FP at 10/18/2005 7:31:55 AM
    Thanks to everyone for the suggestions! I think The Year of the Four will be celebrated with mulch and papier maché! (Or a CD, or a book, or dinner, or something, or other.) Thanks!

    As for the Must Have Cleaning Products (are you on the edge of your seats?!):
    Zap! cleaning spray (for our spooky shower)
    Scrubbing Bubbles
    Fantastik
    Scrub Free (soap scum remover)
    Lime Away
    Clorox Teflon Toilet Bowl Cleaner
    White Vinegar
    Comet
    Murphy's Oil Soap
    Libman Moop with ringer and disposable heads

    That's it. You were hoping for something a bit more fabulous, weren't you?
Submitted by Renee at 10/18/2005 11:17:37 AM
    Our 13th anniversary is Monday and I have no idea what we're doing. We typically don't give gifts, but for our 10th I got a lovely ring.

    Happy Anniversary!
Submitted by kristin at 10/18/2005 12:06:45 PM
    i know i'm late on this one, but the MULCH. i am CRYING with laughter.
Submitted by surcie at 10/18/2005 12:29:43 PM
    Ah, mulch. That'll be one gift he won't soon forget. And Scrubbing Bubbles rock!

Submitted by surcie at 10/18/2005 12:31:31 PM

    BTW, Libman Moop? Whatever it is, it sounds like fun. "Libman Moop Cleans Up Poop!" Catchy, no?
Submitted by JustLinda at 10/18/2005 12:39:35 PM
    Stinky McDirtyHouse -- is that you??? Oh my gosh, it's been YEARS! hahah Oh please oh please don't ever let anyone refer to me as Stinky McDirtyHouse. Please, I pray unto the Real Jesus.

    I want a Judy. I used to have the maids that were said to be merry (they aren't very merry) and I want a JUDY. And a Mary Poppins to watch my kids. Oh, and a pony. IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES???

    As for the anniversary... matching monogrammed heavy robes (like hotel quality robes)? Or how about... eBay is a GREAT place for unique gifts. I found an old framed map of my husband's home town there. I found a book on his family name history/geneology there. I can find "first editions" or even signed copies of his favorite books there. Good stuff.
Submitted by FP at 10/18/2005 3:19:29 PM
    Er, the Libman Moop? That should probably be a Libman Mop. Although, "moop" reminds me of "goop", which is what my dad always used to clean his hands after working on our cars.

    Moop also seems to be a good name for a cat.
Submitted by Elizabeth at 10/18/2005 3:38:03 PM
    That seems like an awful lot of "essential" cleaning products. All those competing chemicals-your house should be clean enough for surgery.

    As I am married to a man who owns every single Frank Zappa album ever, thumbs up for your "Heavy Duty Judy" nickname.
Submitted by Alcatone at 10/19/2005 11:16:26 AM
    How about another kid? That says a helluva lot, and no money down. Can't really send em back to the store, either.
Submitted by Becki at 10/21/2005 2:19:06 PM
    We celebrated four years this month and we just went out to dinner and exchanged cards. Wouldn't dinner and then a stop at Starbucks be divine?
Submitted by Becki at 10/21/2005 2:19:16 PM
    We celebrated four years this month and we just went out to dinner and exchanged cards. Wouldn't dinner and then a stop at Starbucks be divine?
Submitted by betsy at 10/26/2005 10:20:47 AM
    I know it's too late, and I'm sure it's not compatible with the new Judy Austerity plan (which sounds like it's totally worth it)...but I got my husband an Ipod, and it was totally the best gift ever in the history of life. Plus it was a total surprise.
Submitted by Sarahlynn at 11/21/2005 8:44:14 PM
    First, gift. We just "celebrated" number five last month. By celebrated, I mean . . . I don't remember. Maybe I cooked dinner, he fed Ellie, and gave her a bath. Maybe not. Who knows? Anyway, we agreed to give each other New Luggage for our anniversary, because the luggage we bought each other for our wedding exploded on vacation this year and I'm too lazy to research the whole warantee thing. Anyway, he forgot our agreement and bought me a nice Watch and Flowers while I presented him with a lonely Card, in advance of our unmemorably planned luggage shopping excursion.

    Now on to Judy. Is Judy Independent? I ask 'cause I might perhaps like to indulge in another Judy some day but have had trouble finding a trustworthy Judy who is not affiliated with the likes of the Dreaded Merry Maids.

    I've been reading some old British literature. It's apparently effecting my capitalization.
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